Stache is shrugging

The anti-humour bunker

Anti-jokes that refuse
to have a punchline.

Anti-jokes and anti-humour: the setups that deliberately go nowhere. Confusing, flat, and weirdly funny. Tap to open one and confuse a friend.

60anti-jokes·0apologies

I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year.

#1

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

#2

We'll see about that.

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.

#3

Please don't buy it.

I used to think I was indecisive.

#4

But now I'm not so sure.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

#5

I said maybe.

My friend told me he didn't understand cloning.

#6

I said: 'That makes two of us.'

I walked into a bar and ordered a double.

#7

The barman brought out a guy who looked just like me.

My boss asked me what I thought of voluntary redundancy.

#8

I said I'd think about it.

I'm reading a great book on the history of hinges.

#9

A real door opener.

I was going to tell a time-travelling joke...

#10

But you didn't like it.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

#11

I had to put my foot down.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

#12

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Why did I divorce my wife?

#13

She kept making me things like 'The Wrong Sandwich.' I wanted ham. She made tuna.

I just got fired from the calendar factory.

#14

All I did was take a day off.

I tried to catch some fog.

#15

I mist.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office.

#16

They have my Word.

I told a joke about a broken pencil.

#17

It was pointless.

I tried to learn braille.

#18

I just couldn't get the feel for it.

I used to be a personal trainer.

#19

Then I gave my too-weak notice.

My wife told me to put the cat out.

#20

I didn't know it was on fire.

I have a lot of growing up to do.

#21

I realised that the other day inside my fort.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

#22

Bob.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

#23

I now live in constant fear.

My wife told me I had to grow up.

#24

I said I will once I finish my jigsaw.

I tried to write a chemistry joke.

#25

But I knew I wouldn't get a reaction.

Why did I decide to become a vegetarian?

#26

It was a missed steak.

I started a business making boats in my attic.

#27

The sails are going through the roof.

My wife said she never listens to me.

#28

Or something like that.

I quit my job as a postman.

#29

The job had too many letters.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

#30

It's all about raisin awareness.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

#31

Worst transformer ever.

I used to have a job collecting leaves.

#32

I was raking it in.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

#33

Aye matey.

What's red and smells like blue paint?

#34

Red paint.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

#35

I don't know. It's a hypothetical scenario.

What did one wall say to the other wall?

#36

Nothing. Walls can't talk.

Two fish are sitting in a tank.

#37

Neither of them knows how to drive it.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

#38

I don't know, I didn't get his name.

Why did the man fall off his bike?

#39

A fridge hit him. It was a strange day all round.

Knock knock. Who's there?

#40

It's just me. I've locked myself out again.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

#41

To get to the other side. That's genuinely the whole story.

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

#42

Dr Dre.

Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?

#43

It's two tired. Also, it has no legs.

What did the zero say to the eight?

#44

Nothing. They're numbers, they can't talk.

A man walks into a bar.

#45

Ouch. It was an iron bar.

What's green and has wheels?

#46

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

#47

Where is my tractor?

Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?

#48

There was no ladder. Please stop asking.

Two guys walk into a bar.

#49

The third one ducks.

What's the difference between a duck?

#50

One of its legs is both the same.

How do you confuse a dad?

#51

Put him in a round room and say there's a joke in the corner.

I asked a mate to help me move house.

#52

He said he'd support me, then leaned on the wall for an hour.

Why did the man throw the clock out of the window?

#53

He wanted to. There wasn't a reason.

What do you call a boomerang that always comes back?

#54

A boomerang.

I told a chemistry joke and there was no reaction.

#55

That's not the punchline, it just happened.

What's red?

#56

Lots of things, actually. It's a very common colour.

Where does a general keep his armies?

#57

I don't know, I've never actually met a general.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

#58

Nothing. It was quite an awkward silence.

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint.

#59

He drinks it. Turns out they can.

How many dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

#60

One. Why would it take more than one?

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