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The observational aisle

Observational dad jokes
about absolutely nothing.

Dad jokes about the small, stupid, everyday stuff. The observations no one asked for. Tap any joke to open it and pass on the damage.

60observations·0apologies

I'm reading a book on the history of glue.

#1

I just can't seem to put it down.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

#2

It got so bad I had to take his bike away.

Whoever invented the knock knock joke...

#3

Should get a no-bell prize.

Parallel lines have so much in common.

#4

It's a shame they'll never meet.

Velcro - what a rip off.

#5

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

#6

I don't trust people who do acupuncture.

#7

They're back-stabbers.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

#8

All it was doing was gathering dust.

You can't run through a campsite.

#9

You can only ran — it's past tents.

I'm so good at sleeping.

#10

I can do it with my eyes closed.

My wife told me I had to stop living in the past.

#11

Easier said than done — 1987 was a great year.

The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.

#12

But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.

I used to be a banker.

#13

But I lost interest.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"

#14

Because every play has a cast.

Light travels faster than sound.

#15

That's why some people appear bright until they open their mouth.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

#16

The trick is not to form an emotional attachment.

I always wanted to be somebody.

#17

I should have been more specific.

People say I'm condescending.

#18

That means I talk down to people.

I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament.

#19

But it's really hard to find good players.

The early bird might get the worm,

#20

but the second mouse gets the cheese.

My doctor told me I was going deaf.

#21

The news was hard to hear.

I used to be a professional fisherman,

#22

but I couldn't live on my net income.

Why are elevator jokes so good?

#23

They work on so many levels.

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger.

#24

Then it hit me.

I hate when people say "age is just a number."

#25

Age is clearly a word.

I'm afraid of calendars.

#26

Their days are numbered.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.

#27

But none of them work.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

#28

Well, nobody's laughing now.

My wife says I have two faults.

#29

I don't listen, and something else.

My wife told me I was immature.

#30

I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

#31

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

I asked my doctor about my hearing.

#32

He said the results were unclear. I said 'What?'

I don't always tell dad jokes.

#33

But when I do, he laughs.

Escalators can never really break.

#34

They just quietly become stairs.

You never realise how many muscles you own.

#35

Then comes the day after you sneeze.

Every bag of salad is really just a countdown.

#36

Eventually you're throwing away a bag of soup.

A spotless house is a warning sign.

#37

It means the internet has been down for hours.

Nothing ages you faster than one small task.

#38

Reading the back of a shampoo bottle without your glasses.

Our Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family.

#39

They seem like nice people.

You never feel older than one specific moment.

#40

Sitting on the floor, then planning the route back up.

A yawn is just your body being polite.

#41

It's quietly asking for coffee.

I'm not saying I'm getting old.

#42

But I now choose shoes based purely on how easy they are to put on.

There is one truly terrifying sound in this world.

#43

A toddler who has gone completely quiet.

Nobody warns you about the cruellest part of getting older.

#44

The earlier it starts getting late.

You know you're a proper grown-up now.

#45

A quiet night in is the highlight of the week.

Nobody tells you what being an adult actually is.

#46

Mostly it's just googling how to do basic things.

The four most frightening words are: we need to talk.

#47

The next four: while I've got you.

My phone battery has real staying power.

#48

It outlasts every one of my new year's resolutions.

Here is parenting, fully summarised.

#49

Two years teaching them to talk, sixteen telling them to be quiet.

A to-do list is really just one thing.

#50

A set of promises to a version of you that no longer exists.

Adulthood has a very particular rhythm.

#51

Sorry for the delay after twenty minutes, no rush after four days.

You want to test a relationship properly?

#52

Assemble flat-pack furniture together.

I don't have grey hair.

#53

These are wisdom highlights.

My boss told me to dress for the job I want.

#54

So I turned up as Batman.

My New Year's resolution was to read more.

#55

So I put the subtitles on the telly.

I've reached the age where my back goes out more often than I do.

#56

Nobody warned me about this bit.

The absolute peak of adult joy is a bed with fresh sheets.

#57

That's the summit. It's all downhill from there.

I spent the entire weekend childproofing the house.

#58

The kids still get in.

Being an adult is mostly one sentence, on repeat.

#59

Right, after this coffee I'll be productive.

Nothing humbles a grown man faster than one household task.

#60

Trying to fold a fitted sheet.

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